Amy G. Casey

How do you feel around people you think are really fantastic in some way? They’re super smart, beautiful, successful, wealthy, maybe even famous. How do you find yourself acting around them?

I used to be a little star-struck and intimidated about being around such star wattage. These people come across as confident and comfortable. So why didn’t I?

I was too busy comparing myself, and finding myself “less than.” I could never “compete” with these superstars, so I went small. Going small for me means fading into the background, not saying much, becoming a wallflower at the edge of the action.

Of course that behavior just reinforces the idea that I’m not cool enough to hang around the big-wigs. “They don’t even pay any attention to me! I might as well not be here.”

A couple of years ago I developed a working relationship and friendship with someone I thought was incredibly wise and beautiful. What I couldn’t figure out is why she was hanging out with me! If my energy about being “not enough” for her had stayed the same, our friendship would have died. Why? Because I wasn’t bringing enough of myself to the relationship to make it a healthy one.

I was sabotaging the friendship through my lack of self worth. She picked up on this energy and told me that I was a huge help to her, that I saw things in ways that she couldn’t. It was an equal partnership if I would let it be one. When I really looked at it, I knew it was true. I could let the fears of “not enough” go and relax into what has become a wonderful friendship.

I find it’s usually easy to make your expectations come true. And now I can see how I did it, and probably how you do it, too. I can feel when I’m about to “go small.” I usually decide to “go big” instead – show up as who I really am, not what I’m afraid might not be good enough.

How can you “go big” rather than retreating into not enough?

I woke up this morning out of a disturbing dream feeling angry. In the dream, I was mad at my brother for not taking care of himself – I felt that he had made poor decisions about how he lived. I thought that he was putting other peoples’ opinions above his own needs.

This dream was very vivid and has stayed with me all day. Finally, I took a few minutes, took some deep breaths, and asked tmy inner guidance what this meant. The answer came almost immediately – a gentle question asked of me: How have you been giving away your power – placing yourself at the bottom? How have you been leaving yourself behind?

Of course. It always comes back to self. With a sigh and a laugh, it was immediately clear to me that I do this in many ways. By fearing that what I do will make other people feel bad. By assuming that things must happen or be a certain way. By imposing rules on myself that I’ve learned from surviving a dysfunctional family. Those rules no longer serve.

The other important question that came through Spirit was: Why were you so angry at your brother? How do his choices about his own life have anything to do with you?

This one was hard for me to look at – I thought I was better at respecting the people I love – “letting” them live their lives. But – I’m my brother’s keeper, right? Wrong. He is best equipped to make his own decisions, as we all are for ourselves. What I can do is listen to him, love him, and lift him up to the light. And let him go.

I had the blessing of some idle time today. My goal for the day was to take a nice, long hike – what ambition!

I was celebrating the victory of making it to the top of the mountain, when I saw a cool rock outcropping and went to explore. It conveniently had a me-sized slab on the top – perfect to lie down on.

I settled in to my comfy rock spot and got to spend long moments staring at the clouds. It took me back to days as a kid, when this was a perfectly productive way to spend an afternoon. Remember finding faces and animals in the clouds?

After a while I could feel that familiar slipping “out of my mind” that happens in meditation. It’s a safe and happy place to be, one where Spirit has more room to move and plant seeds.

In this expansive place, it came to me that clouds give us an easy way to connect to each other and our planet. Clouds move freely over the Earth, over every living thing. In moments like this, how could I doubt that what I do affects the whole? Clouds are a way to connect every day to knowing that we are all one.