Amy G. Casey

Remember as a kid the thrill you felt when someone told you a secret? It was so much fun to know that you were trusted with your friend’s hidden knowledge. But even as a kid, you knew a secret because you were withholding that information from someone – your parents, other kids, the teachers.

So why do we keep secrets now? Is it loving for us to keep secrets?

Years ago, a friend asked me to keep a secret for her. She asked me to keep confidential the fact that she was thinking about having an affair. And for awhile I went along with it. I hoped she might change her mind, and I didn’t want to lose the friendship. Until the deception was turned on me. We had plans for a weekend retreat, until she told me at the last minute that she intended to be with her lover. Now I knew what it was like to have the secret held from me.

This friend had surrounded herself with secrets and then more lies to cover them up. I could see how toxic it was for her to live like that and become a person I didn’t know and couldn’t trust. I had a choice to make to end this relationship – and it  hurt like crazy.  By supporting her I thought I was being a good friend, but by living outside my integrity, I was not being loving to myself.

This has been a deep and lasting reminder to me to be careful about keeping secrets. Every once in a while I’m tempted to hide something. But it’s an uncomfortable feeling – worrying that I’ll be “caught.” I grew up with secrets – hiding the facts about what went on at home – the drinking, the fighting, the financial trouble. So it feels natural to just not tell the entire truth.  Even writing now about that childhood stuff makes my stomach churn – it’s not for public consumption – or so I was taught.

So the lesson for me is to always check in with myself about what’s good and loving for me. Telling the simple truth and asking others in my life to do the same feels strangely liberating.

How do you feel around people you think are really fantastic in some way? They’re super smart, beautiful, successful, wealthy, maybe even famous. How do you find yourself acting around them?

I used to be a little star-struck and intimidated about being around such star wattage. These people come across as confident and comfortable. So why didn’t I?

I was too busy comparing myself, and finding myself “less than.” I could never “compete” with these superstars, so I went small. Going small for me means fading into the background, not saying much, becoming a wallflower at the edge of the action.

Of course that behavior just reinforces the idea that I’m not cool enough to hang around the big-wigs. “They don’t even pay any attention to me! I might as well not be here.”

A couple of years ago I developed a working relationship and friendship with someone I thought was incredibly wise and beautiful. What I couldn’t figure out is why she was hanging out with me! If my energy about being “not enough” for her had stayed the same, our friendship would have died. Why? Because I wasn’t bringing enough of myself to the relationship to make it a healthy one.

I was sabotaging the friendship through my lack of self worth. She picked up on this energy and told me that I was a huge help to her, that I saw things in ways that she couldn’t. It was an equal partnership if I would let it be one. When I really looked at it, I knew it was true. I could let the fears of “not enough” go and relax into what has become a wonderful friendship.

I find it’s usually easy to make your expectations come true. And now I can see how I did it, and probably how you do it, too. I can feel when I’m about to “go small.” I usually decide to “go big” instead – show up as who I really am, not what I’m afraid might not be good enough.

How can you “go big” rather than retreating into not enough?